A Conversation With Ryan Braun

In the pampered and rarefied atmosphere in which Ryan Braun lives, you have your lawyer carefully draft a “statement” for you, release it to the media, and then let your teammates, the coach, and the manager of the organization which employs you deal with the fallout.  In other words, you’re a coward.

Imagine in some alternative universe that Ryan Braun sat down with you face-to-face and said what’s in his “official statement”.  His words – well, his lawyer’s words – are in all caps.  They’re actual, exact quotes.  My responses, as if this were a conversation, follow.

AS I HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED IN THE PAST, I AM NOT PERFECT.

Really, Ryan?  You’re not perfect?  You know, none of us are.  So let’s talk like the flawed humans we are.

I REALIZE NOW THAT I HAVE MADE SOME MISTAKES.
 

You’ve just now realized that?  You didn’t realize it when you were needlessly and vehemently trashing Dino Laurenzie’s life? He was just a regular guy doing his job.  You know damn well that vial he was sending contained results of a test that showed you so far off the charts with synthetic testosterone that baseball had never seen a human being test that high. 

THE SITUATION HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON ME AND MY ENTIRE FAMILY, AND IT HAS BEEN A DISTRACTION TO MY TEAMMATES AND THE BREWERS ORGANIZATION.

Hold on, pal – it’s not “the situation” that’s taken the toll, it’s what you did.  You created the situation. It’s your behavior that’s caused all this.  Are you at any point going to take responsibility for your behavior and the consequences that followed?

I AM GLAD TO HAVE THIS MATTER BEHIND ME ONCE AND FOR ALL, AND I CANNOT WAIT TO GET BACK TO THE GAME I LOVE.

Oh, you really are delusional.  This matter is far from behind you.  It’s just beginning for you.  Yah, you’ll be going back to the game you love…and your hundred-million-dollar contract.  The one the Brewers gave you, after making the decision to let Prince Fielder go, and to make you the face of the franchise for the next decade.  What about that hundred grand you got for the MVP award which you won while taking PED’s – you gonna give that money back?

Are you going to ask your pal Aaron Rodgers to give up his pay this year?  After all, he believed you when you lied to him about your PED use, and he tweeted that he’d bet a year’s salary that everybody – baseball, ESPN, everybody – was wrong, and you were clean.  Is he still a friend?  If so, you’re lucky. You really made him look stupid with your lies.

You’ve proved that cheating is not only acceptable, but lucrative.  What’s the downside?  You juiced, you put up some fabulous numbers, you got the huge payday that comes with it, and all it cost you was 3% of your contract and everybody knows the team wasn’t going to the playoffs this year anyway. And you'll be at spring training before you know it, making the big bucks again.

Tell ya what.  If you ever get married, and you get caught cheating on your wife, try having your lawyer draft a statement for you – one in which you admit absolutely no responsibility and which paints you as a victim, just like your statement on PED’s – and see how long you stay married, and see how losing 50% of your marital assets compares to losing 3% of your contract pay.

You know what’s worse than a cheater, Ryan?  One who gets caught and then vehemently denies it and paints himself as a victim.

(The photo at the top of this post is Copyright Associated Press.)